grubs up!

ok it’s time to say things again
and i’ve been bursting at the guttural seams
a fiend for asinine, visceral chatter,  seasoned
steamed and seasoned again. and mashed and served
on a vast platter – who’s hungry? all of you look starving!
watch as they dine at the vast table, picking at mash
with hands and shovels alike, some enter the mash
clawing at it with long fingernails, digging mash holes
and licking their fingernails like spaghetti!




the triple threat-wax standard, the
first of many trilogies
identical wax triplets, of
a radically triangular school of thought
trained by one..

professor shucks-mandibles
sitting in his professor tower, at the very top
and it’s lonely at the top so shucks-
mandibles’z lookin for assistants
assistants to beat and berate in the morning
curse in the evening, shucks-mandibles’ll be professin’
incorrectly but they believed him all along n’
they’re misinformed, every day
assistants to help shucks-mandibles down the stairs to bed
elderly man professor shucks-mandibles

the assistant auditions shucks-mandibles..
“NEXT!” says the mandibles
a quick challenger approaches
it’s the football young man!
so good at football that he
does it on the street around the world
and parkour, too! parkour-football round
the world fusion – professor shucks-mandibles!
..detests the beautiful game, professor
argues game not so beautiful, but
“yo momma sure is”, argues the mandibles.
elderly charming the old man McShucks O’
deLaMandibles the professor, with the
burn of the century
“NEXT” insists mandibles!
ok who’s up next that’s right it’s
me! maths acolyte! yes, i am learning maths
i love maths so much! i want to learn more about it 🙂
maths is my thing but i’m not very good at it
but i’m expressing myself through numbers, and i
like the look of some of those graphs
but i’m a pie chart maths legend at heart
stop showing me your graphs old man
i do not need this job, “NEXT”
no, you “NEXT!”!!!
a challenger approaches!
doglike, slobbering, saying
“i love you master”
“i trust you”
“let me help you”
“feed me”
“what is that”
“let me help”
“let me eat that”
the dog that talks but only talks dog
“i wanna fuck you!” stop humping my leg!
the dog can stay, but i still need an assistant
“NEXT” ant super queen! the size of my head
throbbing with ants to be
throbbing with bigger super queens
“an ant army at my disposal..”
mandibles’z a’squirmin
biting hot ant-mandibles
shucks, my shins! my feet!
super soldier ants, born grown
attacking from
super mega ultra queens born and
throbbing with more babies!
worker ants working in symphony, en masse
making impenetrable, ever expanding and
intricate nests, and mandibles drag the professor
to his most cherished relic
of ancient times, the electric guillotine
n chewed-up shucks is in flight now
little fight left in him, while
super flying ants airlift shucks-mandibles
and place him in the guillotine position
and strap him in with their little ant fingers
and then they pull the massive lever
body convulsing, straps instantly broken
horizontal now, he’s in rigid squirm!
stern, violent shivering, deep into
the horizontal rigid squirm zone
professor o’mandibles..
shucks now it’s curtain call, blade in
descent, descending on a steaming head in spasm
ants said they heard a muffled scream
but i swear i didn’t hear nothin
cute ant ears heard mandibles scream
as that gleaming blade
barely broke its stride
and the professors head bounces upwards slightly
still convulsing and gaining momentum
spinning uncontrollably on a chaos axis
it crashes into the head basket
still furiously shaking it flies back out, n’ bounces
off some walls and maybe the ceiling, n’
a couple of lights and kills a few ants..
watch as they do away with his cheeks
cheeks are super ant babybel
to be consumed from the inside if possible
but any side will do
and these super giga ants is feeling mighty indulgent today.
and see his headless body still twitching on the floor
steaming and rhythmically gushing
ant fodder shucks mandibles
the legend Von mandibles
professor man shuckstables
who’s dog served as talking dog
of the ants, revered and decorated
hero of the ants wars
it was he who brought the technology to the ants
and eventual peace to the 100 year ant corporations war
the dog that talked but only talked dog

triplets on thin wax, warped and denting
triplets sinking, embracing and bathing
soaking and shrivelling and steaming and cleaning
clean as three whistles in perfect harmony

things that will happen

slippin this year lacklustre
neglecting myself in all ways
and falling asleep at every corner
in any angle and at any time, rejecting
conventions, reacting with naps
bad snacks, i eat stodge through the day
sleepily getting by during this time of year.
beginning as i do not mean to go on
but enjoying getting by, enjoying
going on as i am. for now i will continue to slip.
for it is too late in the night to make any real changes
and maybe i’m still in that liminal space at the end
of the year, like the wise girl told me, nothing counts
in this space because it’s like a video tape rewinding
and we’re there waiting to watch the sequel, and i’m sat/lying
in that hazy liminal space at the start of the year, reflecting
as one should, projecting as one does
that this year i will blossom and bloom
sharing twisted fruit of taste contentious, this year
i will love, nurture, and respect myself
and if in this liminal void – where our soundtrack
is but tape rewinding and our minds are nought but minds
reflecting – if in this void they asked me if
i wanted to fall in love, this year
my answer would be yes

££££ bedtime ££££


at the family slip-n-slide
families a’slippin and a’ families slidin
i look to either side of me, i see
my crew n we’ve come to do battle
yo lil’ C with the beatbox! you’re a FREAK, you hear me?
don’t ever come near me with that piece of shit beatbox
i lock creeps like you up in tiny bamboo cages for breakfast
brunch and dinner, i am the biggest sinner, lil’ C’s a FREAK and
i’m about to annihilate everyone here at
what you call
‘this here family slip-n-slide’  i’m
going to demolish them
i plan to crush them! ..this i plan on doing!
and to those who came today, there’s no
escape, and the stakes have never been higher
and will never be higher if you make the right choice n’
let me get at that slide
..i want to show you something

so you wanna shlip n’ shlide faster?
60% of a’shlip n a’shliders value speed over style! vote now!
so let me oil these slides with my precious oils from
around the world, that they may aid you o’ 60%
it’s a trap or buy my oils, what?
ok this slide looks very oily. glistening so shiny, who’s ready to
go faster than they’ve ever, ever gone before?!
what’s wrong? why the fuck not? you’d go so fast.. you’d
be going so fast, too fast to even know it was a trap or buy my oils
who wants to go that fast, first? you’d be going so fast, guys,
you’d be like “wooosh” and “phhhrrrr”. amazing!
well? what’s it gonna be? who’s gonna go that fast first!
sing it with me, WHO
anybody? WHO..
..o-k! yes, this family dog will slip!
how exciting! the family dog! this dog will do
last chance friends, trap
or oils lemme tell you
regarding selling them too you
i’ve got all-purpose oils for those classic ‘oil’ situations!
i’ve got flammable oils!
at less than reasonable prices, 
look how fast that family dog’s going!
glorious oily hair flowing in the wind! smells great!
like sexy dogs! what a great slide! i mean you went fast but
let’s just say you are the 40% master, you crazy dog!
oh.. what’s that? are my oils for sale?
yeah these oils are for sale! i never thought you’d ask
i’ll sell you 100 right now!
i love how you dogs have so much money all the time!
n thats whatcha get for a’shlippin ana’shlidin

a dumb homeage to the arbitrary but well choreographed fight scene

i do knee slides, knees
leave red marks on the floor
and i’m classy like count dracula
my red marks squelching i’m bleeding so hard
and i’m knee sliding harder, every time
bigger run ups, faster into more air-time
splashing as i land then sliding, all
the while splashing some more – i’m making a mess
and they threaten to remove me and i ask them why
they point at my knees and i see only kneecaps
and shredded pulled flesh around them, heavily peppered
and bloody and hairy. i’ve spare trousers i say,
to cover my wounds
and they point at my mess on their carpets
red rivers stagnant, i
look on proudly and threaten to sue
“it’s your carpets what did this! you animals”
they advance with great haste but
i move so quick, jump-spin kicks
to guitar licks, i dodge then dip, throwing
sweeping kicks, jump-uppercuts, headbutts n’
flailing fists, all critical hits, crimson
silhouettes amidst pink mist fighting i,
this dark blur swirling, taking all life.
and i catch the scent of a worthy adversary
and as the mist settles i can make out the shape
of a bone spear hurtling towards me, i’m lifted from the ground
now impaled against a wall, mist replaced by haze
and i’m becoming ornamental. spluttering,
i utter my final words
i’m an only child and i think it shows
and if no one heard me then i utter them again (louder this time)


hulk slogan.gif
what are you, thirsty?
i’ve got so many drinks for you
if you could just follow me round here, yeah round the corner
to my back of my van let me see you round the corner
give me a second..
ok. yeah, stand there
ok look at my drinks! holy shit!!!
i’ve got so many, for you
sugar content? i’ve got drinks so packed with sugar that
your species would die instantly from but one sssip
all the way down to drinks with 0 sugar! i know!
i’ve even got drinks that GET RID of some of YOUR sugar!
you got a bit too many sugar? (looks like you got WAY too much 😉)
i got smoothies and milkshakes and soup-in-a-cans!
n’ all o’ them ones!
i’ve got petrol for the robots or something
i’ve got wax for the weirdos

it’s raining x’s and y’s
n if you can say it in french then
don’t say anything at all, or so
the saying goes.
living on, how you say; the ‘edge’
avoiding taxing by waxing
a wide variety of taxes and
on his edgy wax haven
cats too are taxed
entirely different currency, cats
garfield on the fiver or something
na on the back of the 20p

whacka mole never played it
that moles don’t got a problem wi’ me and
i don’t got a problem wi’ him
so get gone! i mean it!
ima run you over in my car!