(closed my eyes)/(will take me time)

i need grounding again, turn back

out of sync and losing myself
slipping these past weeks

distorted judgement staying true to sincerity
and doubting myself, surroundings doubting
me and i feel conscious, ashamed to have slipped
with a thick, luminous screen block, wedged
in tender places, it feels serious

afraid to touch it

crippled by genuine doubt absolute,
wavering and i’m
disappointed in myself for not
believing in myself it’s
disappointing to have lost belief
but these brief moments remembering how
i channel minds’ thoughts all the way down
and through, indeed, in form of these
proud pieces each, remember these
odes to belief albeit brief

to gain momentum; ’nuff to crash
and gleam through thickened hazing screens
to see, regard, and accept doubtless
walking proud and pondering at will
walking proud not slipping

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people watching / people thinking

big-day-out

docile peep-all
civil chatter, twists and turns in
conversation,  glancing questions
stopping staff and more chat made.
while rapport manifests around me
and i feel overwhelmed by all these
humans all with agency, all
processing, they take on board all
that they say and what is said
decisions made, now new things said
and faces lighting up, all brains
are contemplating, stimulated
gratified, they’re vivified – i’m overwhelmed by chemistry
i ponder motivation, ponder what it is
that drives us all, to say what next
and what to do, what means to take
to ends if any, and indeed at every turn
i ask but why, i ask for what
and rightly so all answers vary
however, ever-stemming
back to things relatable

respect, accruement, recognition
sex and sex and self expression,
we yearn for substance in
relationships and to be loved
or to be seen, to be acknowledged

or loved ones often coming first
providers thrive with those they love
i ponder one who dies for one they’ve never met
i consider values trickling down
and ask myself if i envy the selfless

we’re greedy though. we live within
a culture of excess, we’re led by
jealousy through total human agency

and once again i’m overwhelmed by
chemistry in motion

evening tangents

rekt
i’m like where’s this all coming from
maybe i’ve been like a sponge today
feeling vulnerable conscious
of some impending thing, looming over me
or the people i love, i’m conscious



and i’m blind n
staring longingly towards
dark distant plains
reaching for my telescope reaching
for my phone



greasy thumb and finger prints
oil and dirt, young bits i’ve gathered
scents and smudges left around by
fingertips and i won’t mind
you following, shadowing -i won’t mind
you smelling or touching
the places i touch, touching
the dirt that i leave behind, won’t mind
you tasting traces left
that i have no choice but to leave



grouchy, gaunt, ice cold n bony
posture in ruins, shuffles, will
punish you, this wiry, white haired
angular form
seeks to mould you into some rigid
obedient, frightened thing
but you have life and heat alive within you
abstract physics manifests, melts
demons and you bask in self worth
it moisturises your soul, trickles through and
your skin looks beautiful today
and you ARE clever, no matter how dumb



when things compromise the
authentic experience, n you sell out before your eyes
n no money changes hands only
temporary peace of mind
obscuring experience, consuming
how you create, it gets in the way
of true direction
postpones emotion, cloggs you

and authenticity in the outside world
too, as always is in peril.
outside, where vested interests slowly
change what you loved
as you watch from the ground, growing distance
loved platforms, once real rising slowly away
and you question the ground and indeed what you loved
while you watch it all rise, watch it gain visibility
and with all the exposure comes great compromise
more vested interest from uninterested places
that care not for authenticity
or what was real,
or real spirit

and you become powerless,
consuming, voiceless, no choice
but to be thankful for this saturated version
of where once you felt at home

 

4joey(3(/??)) S L U D G E L I F E

so fuckin hot but i wanna b hotter
searing ambition slowly descaling
while i turn the dial up to the highest setting
n my vision distorts and i begin to melt

happening at last. the need, no
the responsibility
no wait
the it’s my destiny
..to actualise my true, spirit form
the form i was born with, bathed in
but instead i wanted ppl to bathe in me
i want ppl to drink me,
i want to hydrate ppl
i wanna quench thirst, i
wanna melt all the way down
all the way down to liquid human
i wanna be that voice in the water
(human soup will do)

happening indeed, and from what i can see,
i’m a melting stump-pile of viscous sludgy slime
expanding at the base from gradual decline
steaming and smoking (by the way i am fine)
oh and some bits of me are on fire

it’s gross and i hate it but i’m well on my way
i wanna be a vast expanse of liquid one day
i want people to do laps in me
push themselves to the limit in me
break records in me and save lives in me
i want people to explore me
i want people to live off me
i want people to fucking drown in me


ERROR. TOO HOT.
[cancel]                [check]             [try again]            [melt me]     (29)


..(28)
(27)

i need to get to that command terminal!
at this point i can only really melt that way
or try to melt faster
c’mon!!!!!!!!!!!!!
uuuurrrRRrrRRRGHHHH!!!!

(19)

it’s working! i can do this!
i’m gonna make it all the way!
i’m gonna wipe out coastal towns!
submerging non believers, i
will swallow masses whole
and they will fear my aching depths
FFFFFF-URRGHHHHH!!!
C’MON MELT FASTER DAMN YOU

(9)

i’m not even human porridge yet
with sweet banana chunks
and cinnamon in the morning
nay! i detest my form more than ever
i’m thick, throbbing, bubbling n steaming
sticky, stuck in muck form, melting and bitty
and chunky, bones too
and i-


ERROR. TOO HOT.
[cancel]                [check]             [try again]            [melt me]     (3)


not like this..
(1)..
[cancel]

the machine shuts down,
the red lights go off, now i’m
sat in this room and it’s getting colder.
and while i consider my form, it dawns on me..
that this IS me. at least for a while
and maybe someone will come and will fix
the machine but maybe they won’t.
or maybe i could get to a hospital and
they could try to put me back together but
i’m not even sure if that’s possible..
or probable considering i cannot move and
considering that i am in great pain.
i weep tears that i want to be
and watch in hope futile
as they fall onto my detestable form
and slowly slide off rejected

this is my life now

4joey(2(/?)) B A T H T I M E

to be bathe to be *bathen*
this brazen display, naked features
refracting underwater where i let it all hang out
bubbles n’ all.

and downstairs the ceiling drips, i feign
unawareness ’cause the stakes are too high
because this bath could save me..
n when i shower i just idly stand
for 15 or so minutes, so i may
as well just lie in this deepish warm water
for longer and longer, i’ve sunk beyond idleness
deep into vacancy, total abandonment
i am detached and wet
and wretched and
who says i can’t eat in my bath?!
i’m not like most! i
have no fear when in the bath
no, my wet fingers will never compromise
any of my goals while bathing
as i bite my soggy breaded chicken, i taste
its cajun bubbles in the bath
and look around in pride as
my rice floats and sinks around me
and we are slowly cooked together

i dread the day i leave this hallowed tub
the day my feet touch an old, cold
damp bathroom rug (2 days from retirement)
and i squelch onto a familiar slippery floor
and stare at my wrinkled naked body –
i’m a prune out the tub! n i drain it
clawing at my water as it slowly drains away –
don’t go dirty water! i’ll find a use for you yet
i’m getting colder so i dip my hands in
and memories come flooding back, then drained by reality
my warm sojourn, my peaceful place
of safety and of calming thoughts
of water chicken and bath rice
evacuates before my eyes
maelstroms are cool but never in this context

4joey (1(?))

tears streaming down my face and out my mouth
i’m a child of regret – i’m embarrassment
cousin o’ shame, i’m a talking point
and i’m naked in mindset, and you can see my lame pants
down and around my ankles while i splutter and stare
longingly in hope

please! won’t someone at least, please just
drape a soft blanket on my naked shoulders
at least my shoulders, i’m
shivering, shuffling towards the exit
won’t someone please take pity as i
shuffle away

friends, past friends and friends to be
family or otherwise, everybody’s family
and everyone is watching you, remembering your
gall, a once-endearing embaressee to be
they were starting to like you
you were starting to like you (damn)

unconditional

silly things really but they all add up
and maybe you didn’t get it ’cause
you didn’t want to, and missing it empowered you, you
overlooked the bits in between, glossed over
what lay beneath, maybe.
in any case i am glad and you are welcome
and i will be your constant through the skim reading
and i will make you smile during your bits in between