i’m an only child and i think it shows

at least i’m writing again
mostly whining and wallowing
and wailing in wanting i
want to be wanted
and in absence of wanted i go from
worthless to jealous to paranoid to angry to
worthless to worthless to writing


*this might help*

feeling sick and weird and feeling full
of air or fear/on edge, aware of some
impending crushing sensation, i’m bleeding out

this new sensation, felt
physically and mentally
hard to see straight/concentration fading
into shivering unaccounted for
i’m weakness incarnate/i’m vulnerable
these 4 walls
and these 4 walls
and these 4 walls are not for me/wherever i go
is not for me when i’m
hyper-aware of my heart and my little innards
that don’t deserve it and never hurt anyone
i’m bleeding out and anxious
faintly throbbing numbness/feeling
full to the brim on nothing
and scared of it

and frustration today had me frustrated
mutated into some meta-frustration
unaccounted for/i’m bleeding out


what do i do?
where do i stand?
am i doing alright?
is this OK?
please, i need guidance

stop patronising me
can i sit back down?

what am i supposed to think about this?
ok whatever, it’s ‘bad’
sometimes it’s ‘good’
but then what am i supposed to think?
then what am i supposed to say?

i know it’s bad for me but i do it anyway
i’ll fucking do it until i go cross eyed
and then some
through hunger and fatigue
and responsibilities
i will do it

or is it double vision?

do something that grounds you
that ‘grounds’ you
leave a little you-shaped mark
an assertive little
reminds you-of-you shaped mark

get into it
make yourself laugh
make yourself think
one day maybe even make other people think
and question

maybe you’ll still be dysfunctional
and won’t know where to stand or what to do
or who to believe
or how to figure things out
but at least once, it was all you
leavin your own little mark

with his little bluetooth speaker

he’s lurkin at the side while you’re lurkin with your mates
smoking cigarettes, minding his own business
you thought nothing of the music he played on his little bluetooth speaker

the most garish most
vicious and abrasive
ruthlessly indulgent
stupid dumb as fuck
dumb fucking music

saying nothing, minding his own business