i’m sometimes a bit OK

Kriváň in haze
i think today i
worked hard and played hard

and i kept my cool for the most part too
i spent not too long thinking of you i
stuck to my plans all the way through and i
found and find solace in excelling in what i do

i’m a good student and my teachers like me or at least i think they do
or at least i think some of them do

adequacies i urge myself to savour

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a poem to redeem today

Horizon
honestly
moaning gets me nowhere lyrically
except for sometimes but even then
only retrospectively

and moaning lyrically never tends to get
me anywhere else mentally
instead accentuates this plight of me
instead perpetuates this fright in me this
dread of me dead bored of me i self indulge
masochistically
seemingly

temperamental tinted goggles

he said he had
no time for slo-mos

naturally i figured i’d be
exposed eventually n i
don’t blame him for trying /not
surprised that he did try
but i suppose i proved myself in time and
in work and in life i doubt myself

and in my art i doubt myself doubt
this is even art and at times
this all feels forced and unnatural and i guess
in retrospect the expression that
probably came naturally
was rarely acknowledged there and then

those were the days
those could be the days
these are not the days until i say they were and sometimes
those were the days and are no longer
those were not the days /deluded either way

my monster (that i pray to)

Fishermen in a Rough Sea

ite now, after some reflection//

i’m tidal/
seismic shifts in mood
autumnal n maybe the heat got to me
beat-myself-up over not-gettin-to
the word doc, no momentum
lacked the magic
brawled myself

and basically i am a massive fucking idiot for
reasons that are too boring to go into and
i never learn from my mistakes and
i am selfish and i am boring

and i guess this is like therapy/
maybe ventin got a hold of me for
reasons that are too boring to go into
so i need to grow up
and mature and focus,

yeah FUCK image
no, WORSHIP it!
let it CONSUME you! from the inside and
leave you EMPTY!

but maybe you think empty’s comfy

i wanna cancel you out
i want to enter as person B
and become person A by default
only logical,
natural

i wanna become person infinity
person hund-o, person sixty-nine
person winkyface/person acronym
the invisible man
the shopkeeper/the quest giver

ornamental/vacant
maybe sometimes i want things to be that simple
maybe i’m closer to ‘that simple’ than i thought i was

/yeah i wanna feel good, fast
wanna be your golden boy/

wanna be good enough for me
*takes a hold of your hand* stay

and i can barely stay on topic at this point
barometer skyrockets/bursts
off the Richter scale/never before seen heights
record numbers
nonsense, U-turns
twists, i slip
and fumble my way around
shuffling around/navigating/illustrating
my point(s) vaguely, in the dark
mumbling, bumbling
grovelling/shying away
what can i say,
mood controlled today

a few ones

650 0072
pic somewhat unrelated
this is a depiction of a meat-market in london

i don’t know who drew it
sue me don’t sue me/you probably can’t sue me
but don’t please
thanks

enjoy




a cheeky1 while someone’s in the room!
cheeky in the distance/corner of my eye
cheeky in the corner/go on and do a cheeky




get riled up and slide into the ring
slide up n freak out cos
it’s all momentum based
for me anyway/i got other things to say



Self(ish) assimilation
verging on narcissism

thinkin about friends meetin friends n
how friends’d get on with each other n
how i called it
how i often want it

thinkin bout how it makes me happy.
i like bringing people together but do i
like bringing people together because
it makes them happy because they like each other now?

or do i like bringing people together because
they like me more now, because that makes me happy?

/scared of the latter but i suppose..
the idea of lining my pockets with
social capital, so-to-speak
walking away/won the day
sneering, popular/the art of the deal

am i scared that i am selfish, am i
ashamed of being selfish, am i
selfish/does it show?
why do people want to be loved/
will i ever know?

the debate consumes itself and myself and
i’m scared that i am selfish (OR i’m
scared of being seen as selfish which is a
not entirely but at least considerably
different poem)
but i guess people who are scared of being selfish
are mostly, likely not,
or most likely, at least less selfish than
(objectively?)selfish people who don’t question
whether or not they are selfish

largely these concerns feel like
time wasted but
maybe one day i’ll learn something




hard to be/to feel authentic when faced with
an infinite, invisible audience

but some people can and relish in it

maybe it’s a culture of narcissism
manifested in content, some depthless
/counter productive

and some genuinely enjoyable/
well crafted

brands scream love me and often
i agree, but often i can’t help but think
it’s bad for souls
behind the brands, and at the same time
i can’t help but feel bad that
i can’t scream good

maybe i’m just jealous


 

did a lot of writing then i wrote about it

n you wonder where your introspection gets you
maybe ponder how all these questions existential
will only ever imply or offer insights around yourself
as opposed to imply or lead to answers to themselves

self consuming/cyclical but you can change
(at least i think i can)