my monster (that i pray to)

Fishermen in a Rough Sea

ite now, after some reflection//

i’m tidal/
seismic shifts in mood
autumnal n maybe the heat got to me
beat-myself-up over not-gettin-to
the word doc, no momentum
lacked the magic
brawled myself

and basically i am a massive fucking idiot for
reasons that are too boring to go into and
i never learn from my mistakes and
i am selfish and i am boring

and i guess this is like therapy/
maybe ventin got a hold of me for
reasons that are too boring to go into
so i need to grow up
and mature and focus,

yeah FUCK image
no, WORSHIP it!
let it CONSUME you! from the inside and
leave you EMPTY!

but maybe you think empty’s comfy

i wanna cancel you out
i want to enter as person B
and become person A by default
only logical,
natural

i wanna become person infinity
person hund-o, person sixty-nine
person winkyface/person acronym
the invisible man
the shopkeeper/the quest giver

ornamental/vacant
maybe sometimes i want things to be that simple
maybe i’m closer to ‘that simple’ than i thought i was

/yeah i wanna feel good, fast
wanna be your golden boy/

wanna be good enough for me
*takes a hold of your hand* stay

and i can barely stay on topic at this point
barometer skyrockets/bursts
off the Richter scale/never before seen heights
record numbers
nonsense, U-turns
twists, i slip
and fumble my way around
shuffling around/navigating/illustrating
my point(s) vaguely, in the dark
mumbling, bumbling
grovelling/shying away
what can i say,
mood controlled today

a few ones

650 0072
pic somewhat unrelated
this is a depiction of a meat-market in london

i don’t know who drew it
sue me don’t sue me/you probably can’t sue me
but don’t please
thanks

enjoy




a cheeky1 while someone’s in the room!
cheeky in the distance/corner of my eye
cheeky in the corner/go on and do a cheeky




get riled up and slide into the ring
slide up n freak out cos
it’s all momentum based
for me anyway/i got other things to say



Self(ish) assimilation
verging on narcissism

thinkin about friends meetin friends n
how friends’d get on with each other n
how i called it
how i often want it

thinkin bout how it makes me happy.
i like bringing people together but do i
like bringing people together because
it makes them happy because they like each other now?

or do i like bringing people together because
they like me more now, because that makes me happy?

/scared of the latter but i suppose..
the idea of lining my pockets with
social capital, so-to-speak
walking away/won the day
sneering, popular/the art of the deal

am i scared that i am selfish, am i
ashamed of being selfish, am i
selfish/does it show?
why do people want to be loved/
will i ever know?

the debate consumes itself and myself and
i’m scared that i am selfish (OR i’m
scared of being seen as selfish which is a
not entirely but at least considerably
different poem)
but i guess people who are scared of being selfish
are mostly, likely not,
or most likely, at least less selfish than
(objectively?)selfish people who don’t question
whether or not they are selfish

largely these concerns feel like
time wasted but
maybe one day i’ll learn something




hard to be/to feel authentic when faced with
an infinite, invisible audience

but some people can and relish in it

maybe it’s a culture of narcissism
manifested in content, some depthless
/counter productive

and some genuinely enjoyable/
well crafted

brands scream love me and often
i agree, but often i can’t help but think
it’s bad for souls
behind the brands, and at the same time
i can’t help but feel bad that
i can’t scream good

maybe i’m just jealous


 

the internet went down for a bit (write n flex more)

when the brinternet down i’m a sucker for a word doc
flock back to that program older than time
microsoft office as an institution as an entity
once-overbearing hegemony, and you can owe all the laughs you’ve had
at comic sans’ expense, to office, to word
the powerpoints/the excel crew
presenters, writers, money makers
office dwellers, all have been and i ponder a future where office is a relic
where the final known copy is kept, installed on a laptop in some museum circa ~20XX
remaining somewhat overlooked but free to use
and wiped, weekly




a more impressionistic direction this year,
however going ever-further and staying true to
abstract absurdities assimilating my condition
crucial to my experience, my plot device
my welcome vice, my font of self worth
n i’m reliant to the point of vulnerability but this place is something I have complete agency over
agency to learn and expand within, to hone within/refine within
agency to not

but i want to do this forever and i want to be excited about it forever,
and i ask where to channel my energy
i ask how to control and direct focus,
i ask where motivation comes from, really
perhaps the promise of some reward, and if the price is right, then maybe i will do this forever
maybe the question is to want to want

people watching / people thinking

big-day-out

docile peep-all
civil chatter, twists and turns in
conversation,  glancing questions
stopping staff and more chat made.
while rapport manifests around me
and i feel overwhelmed by all these
humans all with agency, all
processing, they take on board all
that they say and what is said
decisions made, now new things said
and faces lighting up, all brains
are contemplating, stimulated
gratified, they’re vivified – i’m overwhelmed by chemistry
i ponder motivation, ponder what it is
that drives us all, to say what next
and what to do, what means to take
to ends if any, and indeed at every turn
i ask but why, i ask for what
and rightly so all answers vary
however, ever-stemming
back to things relatable

respect, accruement, recognition
sex and sex and self expression,
we yearn for substance in
relationships and to be loved
or to be seen, to be acknowledged

or loved ones often coming first
providers thrive with those they love
i ponder one who dies for one they’ve never met
i consider values trickling down
and ask myself if i envy the selfless

we’re greedy though. we live within
a culture of excess, we’re led by
jealousy through total human agency

and once again i’m overwhelmed by
chemistry in motion