Ser Eustus / “the Dog Virtues”

the old dog mel mccuddinit’s my birthday today
thanks it feels OK

i spent most of this morning dreaming bout befriending
dogs with names like ‘Ser Eustus’
lurchers n dobermen /not daschunds but mastiffs but
great dane, that was it
Ser Eustus was a great dane

and over breakfast i wondered what a dog can do to a person
or for a person rather
(saying this i watched a horror film the other night
where funnily enough i saw some of the things dogs can do
TO people, FOR other people
unfortunately this poem/meandering blog post will not be about that kind of thing)

maybe a dog gives a person an excuse to love
when they didn’t know they needed an excuse in the first place
and soon enough loving at least this one thing becomes habit
and love trickles down and through and a person is happy
(or more inclined to be)
not to mention the responsibility of looking after a dog
responsibility is good for a person also, i think

i realise these perhaps
are examples of what a person might do for themselves, through a dog
as opposed to what a dog does for a person

i suppose in my totally and forever
unjustified and undeserved opinion
what a dog does for a person is offer them a bond of companionship
like no other – that’s probably it isn’t it?
and briefly looking through descriptions of
dog breeds on the internet
i see words like “dignified”
“courageous” and “patient”
“devoted to family” (shoutout to this dog in particular
for like augustus and many others
they see the breakdown of the family unit
as detrimental to the well-being of the state)
“quietly intelligent” and i didn’t see ‘graceful’ but i often catch myself
describing dogs as graceful
and i’m sure you have too and if you haven’t i suggest you
set about doing so with immediate effect
or at least looking for the grace in some dogs
needless to say i’m sure most of us find aforementioned virtues
in dogs with little to no effort
as silly as they sound

in disgrace charles burton barberi like the idea of someone organising your birthday for you
you wake up on the day
potentially next to them but y’know
not necessarily

and they have a plan and they
take you along and you take it for granted in most cases
and i don’t want a dog for my birthday
but when it’s a dogs birthday i like to think they get similar treatment
and they remain enthusiastic and loyal throughout
just like they are all the time
so i suppose what i’m saying is that
in a somewhat human undoglike way
i would have appreciated being walked today




pic again somewhat related
i believe it necessary to mention that i know virtually nothing about birds
please enjoy this deranged and clumsily crudely told poem. thank you

picked apart by birds of prey
or scavenger birds or
bird mentality

not penguins but like
*fuckin birds* yeah
talons descending
squawking pecking they
go for the eye they
tear through your cheeks and
have at your innards *fuck* *swoop*
known to take babies /vom in their babies
laying eggs n i’m sorry but

i’m not birdist but birds i don’t get you
or at least like

i wouldn’t fit in with the fleet or the flock
in formation or otherwise – yeah i’d be
the furthest from the birdest yeah birds like..
you’re raptors
n i’m that kid hiding in the kitchen in j-park

except i’m ready to stab you in the foot with a kitchen knife
yeah carnivore style with opposable thumbs, birds!
n on land n inside there’s no room to fly, birds!
on ground n under where humans gut birds, *fuck*, birds!
we roast you
yeah *you’re good* with all sorts yeah we take the eggs you lay n
fry n roast n cage en masse *well fuck* we grow and drug you birds
vom /it’s fucked /it’s lean protein
it’s omnivore style with opposable thumbs
n free will n greed /again mouths to feed
*all sorts* there’s *all sorts* what am i doing
birds and humans tonnes of difference /whats the difference

food chain hungry /in our case
*greedy* (ask birds if they’re greedy)

food chain hungry birds’ll birds’ll
take and fly they’ll fuckin /birds’ll
dive n snatch n soar away the *fuckin birds* they
claw at me and scream at me with eyes bea-dy
n beaks n i deserve it /”wet my
beak” yeah i deserve it
ambition /yeah that *payout* yeah that
hot meal
for me n mine yeah when i die
(if i remember)
maybe i’ll die near some scavenger birds y’know
give back a bit
redemption and forgiveness
altruism with opposable thumbs, yeah n
ask birds if they have altruistic tendencies

and regardless of their answer (if you get one(?))
scatter my remains along the plains they hunt
*squawk* n i get to get vommed /food chain

my monster (that i pray to)

Fishermen in a Rough Sea

ite now, after some reflection//

i’m tidal/
seismic shifts in mood
autumnal n maybe the heat got to me
beat-myself-up over not-gettin-to
the word doc, no momentum
lacked the magic
brawled myself

and basically i am a massive fucking idiot for
reasons that are too boring to go into and
i never learn from my mistakes and
i am selfish and i am boring

and i guess this is like therapy/
maybe ventin got a hold of me for
reasons that are too boring to go into
so i need to grow up
and mature and focus,

yeah FUCK image
no, WORSHIP it!
let it CONSUME you! from the inside and
leave you EMPTY!

but maybe you think empty’s comfy

i wanna cancel you out
i want to enter as person B
and become person A by default
only logical,

i wanna become person infinity
person hund-o, person sixty-nine
person winkyface/person acronym
the invisible man
the shopkeeper/the quest giver

maybe sometimes i want things to be that simple
maybe i’m closer to ‘that simple’ than i thought i was

/yeah i wanna feel good, fast
wanna be your golden boy/

wanna be good enough for me
*takes a hold of your hand* stay

and i can barely stay on topic at this point
barometer skyrockets/bursts
off the Richter scale/never before seen heights
record numbers
nonsense, U-turns
twists, i slip
and fumble my way around
shuffling around/navigating/illustrating
my point(s) vaguely, in the dark
mumbling, bumbling
grovelling/shying away
what can i say,
mood controlled today

a few ones

650 0072
pic somewhat unrelated
this is a depiction of a meat-market in london

i don’t know who drew it
sue me don’t sue me/you probably can’t sue me
but don’t please


a cheeky1 while someone’s in the room!
cheeky in the distance/corner of my eye
cheeky in the corner/go on and do a cheeky

get riled up and slide into the ring
slide up n freak out cos
it’s all momentum based
for me anyway/i got other things to say

Self(ish) assimilation
verging on narcissism

thinkin about friends meetin friends n
how friends’d get on with each other n
how i called it
how i often want it

thinkin bout how it makes me happy.
i like bringing people together but do i
like bringing people together because
it makes them happy because they like each other now?

or do i like bringing people together because
they like me more now, because that makes me happy?

/scared of the latter but i suppose..
the idea of lining my pockets with
social capital, so-to-speak
walking away/won the day
sneering, popular/the art of the deal

am i scared that i am selfish, am i
ashamed of being selfish, am i
selfish/does it show?
why do people want to be loved/
will i ever know?

the debate consumes itself and myself and
i’m scared that i am selfish (OR i’m
scared of being seen as selfish which is a
not entirely but at least considerably
different poem)
but i guess people who are scared of being selfish
are mostly, likely not,
or most likely, at least less selfish than
(objectively?)selfish people who don’t question
whether or not they are selfish

largely these concerns feel like
time wasted but
maybe one day i’ll learn something

hard to be/to feel authentic when faced with
an infinite, invisible audience

but some people can and relish in it

maybe it’s a culture of narcissism
manifested in content, some depthless
/counter productive

and some genuinely enjoyable/
well crafted

brands scream love me and often
i agree, but often i can’t help but think
it’s bad for souls
behind the brands, and at the same time
i can’t help but feel bad that
i can’t scream good

maybe i’m just jealous


the internet went down for a bit (write n flex more)

when the brinternet down i’m a sucker for a word doc
flock back to that program older than time
microsoft office as an institution as an entity
once-overbearing hegemony, and you can owe all the laughs you’ve had
at comic sans’ expense, to office, to word
the powerpoints/the excel crew
presenters, writers, money makers
office dwellers, all have been and i ponder a future where office is a relic
where the final known copy is kept, installed on a laptop in some museum circa ~20XX
remaining somewhat overlooked but free to use
and wiped, weekly

a more impressionistic direction this year,
however going ever-further and staying true to
abstract absurdities assimilating my condition
crucial to my experience, my plot device
my welcome vice, my font of self worth
n i’m reliant to the point of vulnerability but this place is something I have complete agency over
agency to learn and expand within, to hone within/refine within
agency to not

but i want to do this forever and i want to be excited about it forever,
and i ask where to channel my energy
i ask how to control and direct focus,
i ask where motivation comes from, really
perhaps the promise of some reward, and if the price is right, then maybe i will do this forever
maybe the question is to want to want

people watching / people thinking


docile peep-all
civil chatter, twists and turns in
conversation,  glancing questions
stopping staff and more chat made.
while rapport manifests around me
and i feel overwhelmed by all these
humans all with agency, all
processing, they take on board all
that they say and what is said
decisions made, now new things said
and faces lighting up, all brains
are contemplating, stimulated
gratified, they’re vivified – i’m overwhelmed by chemistry
i ponder motivation, ponder what it is
that drives us all, to say what next
and what to do, what means to take
to ends if any, and indeed at every turn
i ask but why, i ask for what
and rightly so all answers vary
however, ever-stemming
back to things relatable

respect, accruement, recognition
sex and sex and self expression,
we yearn for substance in
relationships and to be loved
or to be seen, to be acknowledged

or loved ones often coming first
providers thrive with those they love
i ponder one who dies for one they’ve never met
i consider values trickling down
and ask myself if i envy the selfless

we’re greedy though. we live within
a culture of excess, we’re led by
jealousy through total human agency

and once again i’m overwhelmed by
chemistry in motion