things what i can do


i’m really good at chopsticks now i
not on piano but i could but
on food like on stir fries n this
evening i used frozen peas to
save time but to
practice pickin
things up with my chopsticks flippin
peas up nonstop choppin.stickin.
scoopin made me dextrous
correlative pace gone n helped me digestion
pea at a time, i save the best till last
i save the saucy noods sendin me saucy noods n i
can chop sticks when guiness comes knockin
peas pennys steak if guiness came knockin
other chop-sticks and porridge and chopsticks’ people
eyes and nosehairs and gag ref-lexes /can drive a lexus
flexin /girl with the flaxen hair

now there’s a song i can play


if you, like me
dream intermittently
n rarely intensely
u mostly dream vague dreams
n when ppl recount dreams
u sit there all quietly n
shy for no reason really but
maybe u take it personally

you think it’s cos they’re cleverer or
more creative, “tapped in” further
woke-er / funny dreams qua-lity jokers
but you never dwell y’know: never dwell on it!

n it sounds like effort and it is but listen
dream journals make a world of difference
because as if by magic with dreams on the mind you’ll
find yourself recalling more every time
or dreaming more – whichever way you want to put it

anyway trust me it works! also you can end up lucid dreaming but that shit is for HIPPIES AND HIPPIES ONLY GET THAT SHIT OUTTA MY COUNTRY

[NONPOST DO NOT READ. DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WANT YOU] playin on nintender ((T B C)/(#0001))

the nintendo ground-pound

press “A!” to jump
and press “A!” again at the apex of your jump and there you,
as they say, have it

press “B!” to punch it
press “A!” then “B!” to punch mid-air

walk around with “←↑↓→” try that

press “B!” to punch with him

press “START.”

please navigate “START.” menu with “←↑↓→”

select “SETTINGS.”
select “BRIGHTNESS.”

press “B!” to return to settings menu
select “CONTRAST.”

select “CONTRAST: 90.”
please press “B!” to return to settings menu

select “BRIGHTNESS.”


you can save your game at believe it or not any point by pressing
“B!” to return to menu and using
“←↑↓→” to navigate menu selecting
“SAVE GAME.” then selecting
“ACCEPT.” then selecting

select “BRIGHTNESS: 70.” >WARNING>

boss encounter. you may wish to save
see: “>TIP#0001>”
if you do not wish to save,

Ser Eustus / “the Dog Virtues”

the old dog mel mccuddinit’s my birthday today
thanks it feels OK

i spent most of this morning dreaming bout befriending
dogs with names like ‘Ser Eustus’
lurchers n dobermen /not daschunds but mastiffs but
great dane, that was it
Ser Eustus was a great dane

and over breakfast i wondered what a dog can do to a person
or for a person rather
(saying this i watched a horror film the other night
where funnily enough i saw some of the things dogs can do
TO people, FOR other people
unfortunately this poem/meandering blog post will not be about that kind of thing)

maybe a dog gives a person an excuse to love
when they didn’t know they needed an excuse in the first place
and soon enough loving at least this one thing becomes habit
and love trickles down and through and a person is happy
(or more inclined to be)
not to mention the responsibility of looking after a dog
responsibility is good for a person also, i think

i realise these perhaps
are examples of what a person might do for themselves, through a dog
as opposed to what a dog does for a person

i suppose in my totally and forever
unjustified and undeserved opinion
what a dog does for a person is offer them a bond of companionship
like no other – that’s probably it isn’t it?
and briefly looking through descriptions of
dog breeds on the internet
i see words like “dignified”
“courageous” and “patient”
“devoted to family” (shoutout to this dog in particular
for like augustus and many others
they see the breakdown of the family unit
as detrimental to the well-being of the state)
“quietly intelligent” and i didn’t see ‘graceful’ but i often catch myself
describing dogs as graceful
and i’m sure you have too and if you haven’t i suggest you
set about doing so with immediate effect
or at least looking for the grace in some dogs
needless to say i’m sure most of us find aforementioned virtues
in dogs with little to no effort
as silly as they sound

in disgrace charles burton barberi like the idea of someone organising your birthday for you
you wake up on the day
potentially next to them but y’know
not necessarily

and they have a plan and they
take you along and you take it for granted in most cases
and i don’t want a dog for my birthday
but when it’s a dogs birthday i like to think they get similar treatment
and they remain enthusiastic and loyal throughout
just like they are all the time
so i suppose what i’m saying is that
in a somewhat human undoglike way
i would have appreciated being walked today


oh go on then

for some girl what asked me
simple as that really /but
wait: don’t go
gettin any ideas this is
strictly business so no funny business like
challenge accepted so nothing personal so
sorry not sorry /this poem isn’t gonna be about you
or at least not from now on

every now and then i stalk this guy i have on facebook
i met him once and added him and where do i begin so like
he’s terrifying but that is
the last place to begin you see
i met him once and added him and
where do i begin he’s all like

routine ice baths and “polyphasic sleeping”
“water fasting” and “ketogenic” eating
“ubersleeping” he’s a
self professed
“massive blender afficionado” and don’t tell him i’m low key stalkin (n laughin) cos
he lifts on like a diet of insects or summin and

today i learnt the word flexitarian(not-from-him)
/a plant based diet with the occasional addition of meat
/think veganuary and other such dietary
millennial trends

he’s “not big on physical gifts” and do you know what
fair play cos i can use that to seg-way
into a concluding. come contradicting point
: that potentially ; this resoundingly
non physical poem is a gift for some girl what asked me (on a dating app might i add_
for a gift lets say
in and of the internet (have a very nice day)

where does this go please

i can eat an orange by the mouthful
sometimes i prefer to / happy new year
i feel OK mostly except for now yeah
now i’m not quite sure but
i guess now i’m not explicitly
specifically bad so that’s a plus

does this all make too much sense
sometimes i read things that feel almost as though
this person has very consciously constructed it
to be inpenetrable
to me anyways
i’m a layman do i make too much sense
am i basic is this basic

am i dumbing you down serious question
maybe that’s the objective
or at least the new objective, or maybe it always was to an extent the objective
to dumb down the reader

to a point of vulnerability
them BLAM

i saw one g7y on youtube use a bunch of double cream but i don’t fuck with/like that

pic totally unrelated
the first time i saw this i knew i wanted to use it for a poem
and who knows when i’ll write my next poem, right?/1/1/1!!?!?!?!?

last few hey-ho
ups n downs n wasted time
let jealousy get the better of me it
sits me down and keeps me sat
indefinitely indubitably i should review
what i currently consider priorities

italian food en masse
excuse my french but this pot bellies worth it
for the pasta pon pasta yeah
some kids’ take on
flavours and recipes passed down through generations
globalised commodified commercialised n
fetishised but i like to think i treat italian food with
some degree of respect
except when i do the funny accent /that’s not cool

maybe i should turn this into some kind of food blog
gods know; the rich ingredients
that once constituted the vast seemingly
endless simmering sauce that was my poetry
have run dry /their
excitable saucier in the sky jaded

so without further ado i’d like to like to talk you through
~my recipe instructions~
~for a slimy carbonara~
that’ll mentally take you to the italian riviera
and didnt’cha know that mediterranean people live-a for long’a (sorry)
serves:1 (because if you are anything like me
you are alone and largely miserable)

you need
spaghett of some kind
bacon or panchetta
few eggs n some parmasan
butter or olive oil but ideally both my friends
black pepper and garlic please
optional parsley /mushrooms n
cherry-boy tomatoes
maybe some rocket i guess

prep first if you don’t chop good
otherwise boil spaghett right the heck now (this evening i will
be using linguine)

chop bacon
panchetta if you’re feelin bougie
the egg sauce (SEE: the egg sauce)

OK now chuck a wad o butter in a pan n watch it melt
huff it and be rallied/hurry crush a couple cloves
(of garlic) chuck em in n take a moment
to savour the fragrance
no time/ throw in the bacon
let it brown stir it round & for the ‘optional’ few
add mushrooms around now
cherry-boys whenever you want depending on your preference

timing timing timing timing
i’m not a youtube video or a cookbook
i’m a poem that is potentially
primarily written to inform
(make the egg sauce around now (SEE: the egg sauce))

go ahead and scoop out them cloves asshole
your pasta should be ready around now
so drain it and throw it in the bacon pan
toss it maybe put in a little pasta water
turn the hob off

extremely high level stuff.
the egg sauce:::
couple egg yolks n grated parmasan
or pecorino according to elitist fatboy jamie oliver
and his padrone puppetmasters
yeah beat and whisk that cheese on sight n
pour the sauce on over your pasta
and let me tell you
the warmth of the pasta alone will
get the eggs to where they need to be (AN AMAZING SCIENTIFIC FACT)
mark my words

i swear to you
on my youth and my admittedly
shredded tattered dignity
that sauce and your bacon grease will be complicit in creating
what is commonly regarded as a carbonara sauce, my friends

pepper parsley pepper more
i love a peppery carbonara me and
i’m sure you will too
with mushies and cherry-boys optional /toss it all
linguin-e ideall-y
serve it up/ grate more cheese whatever

and there you, as they say, have it
by far the tastiest poem i’ve ever written
and relatively, by a far smaller margin the healthiest********
potentially the most informative
potentially the least poetic

************except for that one about nuts and dried fruits