duty as god

we’ve both got crappy laptops and i like it
but i also like that yours is worse than mine but note
it’s not a case of ‘mine is better’, its a case ‘yours is worse’
which is to say it’s a case of convenience i’m just
better off laptop-wise, i suppose

comrade is a word i want to write right now
as in you feel like my comrade i feel like we’re comrades
for want of a better word to be honest but ‘comrade’ and let me tell you why

not in like a communist sense
although i guess we might be roughly in the same socio-economic class so
that’s something to consider but yeah we always work together

as in you’re not my work colleague you’re my mate

anyway when we hang out we work together
but for the hang out if you know what i mean
the hang-out-session
it’s always ‘what next’, ‘what today’
and we can always make things more exciting
‘let’s make a plan’ sometimes and enjoy making it and not really stick to it but yknow

enjoy ourselves anyway
but also sometimes being like “the plan the plan the plan” and we stick to it or
try to or make a joke of trying to

but also we’ve seen each other struggle and we’ve always tried to help each other
at varying degrees from
‘how do we solve this problem’ to ‘that was a fun problem to solve’ to
‘dude are you ok’ and i’d say i’ve seen you struggle more but on
cooking on video games and real life generally we’ve struggled together or
watched each other struggle

(cooking with you not real life confirmed) and i’d hate to draw a parallel here but it’s a poem after all so
it’s not a case of ‘my life is better’ or ‘your life is worse’ (weird, init?)
it’s just a case of ‘we help each other but there’s a dichotomy’

like if you were to draw a graph or something but anyway like
maybe what i’m saying is that i’ve internalised some kind of
guardian-complex that occasionally manifests as feeling an almost
poetic kind of duty to aid you
which upon reflection sounds weird but i wanted it to sound cute but
that’s not really the point it’s just an element of our friendship but anyway

the point is you’re a national treasure
a knight of my realm and i a knight of yours

but i’d be terrified of you reading this poem and hating it
and maybe you wouldn’t hate it but the risk feels too high

and it’s probably just a case of ‘your opinion matters to me and i have low self-esteem’ but i’ve been pointing these things out so there’s another element (and it is a poem afterall)

but yeah you’re nothing short of brilliant
and you’ve taught me lots of cool stuff
in cooking in video games you get the picture
i look up to you and truly god bless you


hot feet at night n try as i might i can’t
kick the feeling of feeling empty inside

and believe me i try

to keep busy /to excercise
maintain a tidy space/ a tidy mind
i try to be nice i do favours

but im lost still potentially without you potentially without
what you represented or the space you filled you
angel i miss you still

i wish things were that simple

thats the person i[d be with u that’s
the persons we’d b together i miss u  nd
long for u always for years n u know it

one day but i’m not
holdin my breath

when the f- (old draft that is qw8 nice)

you shared with me the
phallocentric connotations of the so called
ivory tower

it’s lonely up there too i notice
and i agree i think i’d rather it be
something more decentralised i
wanna be a node in a network

&sadly it’s so easy for me
to want more and more to be wanted
and feel less and less appreciated and feel
more and more forgotten
isolation / i could keep the tower
provided i found safety in the welcome
arms of another

&everywhere’s a bubble really
if you ask around

Ser Eustus / “the Dog Virtues”

the old dog mel mccuddinit’s my birthday today
thanks it feels OK

i spent most of this morning dreaming bout befriending
dogs with names like ‘Ser Eustus’
lurchers n dobermen /not daschunds but mastiffs but
great dane, that was it
Ser Eustus was a great dane

and over breakfast i wondered what a dog can do to a person
or for a person rather
(saying this i watched a horror film the other night
where funnily enough i saw some of the things dogs can do
TO people, FOR other people
unfortunately this poem/meandering blog post will not be about that kind of thing)

maybe a dog gives a person an excuse to love
when they didn’t know they needed an excuse in the first place
and soon enough loving at least this one thing becomes habit
and love trickles down and through and a person is happy
(or more inclined to be)
not to mention the responsibility of looking after a dog
responsibility is good for a person also, i think

i realise these perhaps
are examples of what a person might do for themselves, through a dog
as opposed to what a dog does for a person

i suppose in my totally and forever
unjustified and undeserved opinion
what a dog does for a person is offer them a bond of companionship
like no other – that’s probably it isn’t it?
and briefly looking through descriptions of
dog breeds on the internet
i see words like “dignified”
“courageous” and “patient”
“devoted to family” (shoutout to this dog in particular
for like augustus and many others
they see the breakdown of the family unit
as detrimental to the well-being of the state)
“quietly intelligent” and i didn’t see ‘graceful’ but i often catch myself
describing dogs as graceful
and i’m sure you have too and if you haven’t i suggest you
set about doing so with immediate effect
or at least looking for the grace in some dogs
needless to say i’m sure most of us find aforementioned virtues
in dogs with little to no effort
as silly as they sound

in disgrace charles burton barberi like the idea of someone organising your birthday for you
you wake up on the day
potentially next to them but y’know
not necessarily

and they have a plan and they
take you along and you take it for granted in most cases
and i don’t want a dog for my birthday
but when it’s a dogs birthday i like to think they get similar treatment
and they remain enthusiastic and loyal throughout
just like they are all the time
so i suppose what i’m saying is that
in a somewhat human undoglike way
i would have appreciated being walked today


if a x y’s in their z and no1 is around to hear it, do it garner a reacc?

u were a go2 for a bit and in a way u still are
u were reliable and kind and groundingpraygirl
and totally available but these things to me
u r no longer

ur a go2 at the mo in times of loneliness
end up
findin myself wantin n blamin
n so hurt n stagnant thinkin
things aren’t normal for me n
i know how i want them to b:

back to the best version of
normality for a long time