when wanting to want becomes wanting

1277px-Édouard_Manet_-_The_Toilers_of_the_Sea_-_Google_Art_Project

i am but a cabin boy on choppy waters, land ho(?)
pic somewhat related



writing on an empty stomach
losing juice losing weight but
persisting with what i perceive as lost

long for the quick grat’
on screen endeavours
the quick fixes, the
slow burners the
self consuming fallacies
that shits BAD for me

long to feel proud/to
read back like i did good n
walk proud the next day like
i is good

confidence confidence confidence momentum
these words is whatever/i’ve skipped
to the back of the queue, got hoops
to re jump n re-re jump through
n press ups n clap press ups
star jumps mentally, teach me what a jumping jack is
n i’ll fucking turn it into a take down or a submission move
i’m adaptable, i’m ice cold
i’m a killer/i got you in a jumping jack
half master nelson lock-hold AKA the
death lock-hold
make you tap out like ding-ding-ding/watch you
walk home in shame/have you followed n
flogged n brought to me alive n
defiled/watch me hop back into the queue like i’m
not back/possibly
never gonna be back possibly
never gonna feel ready or
feel like these are the days
or like i’m on form these days
but at least maybe possibly
there’s a chance that i could ever so slightly
be improving mentally
edging closer to something loosely resembling
stability

my monster (that i pray to)

Fishermen in a Rough Sea

ite now, after some reflection//

i’m tidal/
seismic shifts in mood
autumnal n maybe the heat got to me
beat-myself-up over not-gettin-to
the word doc, no momentum
lacked the magic
brawled myself

and basically i am a massive fucking idiot for
reasons that are too boring to go into and
i never learn from my mistakes and
i am selfish and i am boring

and i guess this is like therapy/
maybe ventin got a hold of me for
reasons that are too boring to go into
so i need to grow up
and mature and focus,

yeah FUCK image
no, WORSHIP it!
let it CONSUME you! from the inside and
leave you EMPTY!

but maybe you think empty’s comfy

i wanna cancel you out
i want to enter as person B
and become person A by default
only logical,
natural

i wanna become person infinity
person hund-o, person sixty-nine
person winkyface/person acronym
the invisible man
the shopkeeper/the quest giver

ornamental/vacant
maybe sometimes i want things to be that simple
maybe i’m closer to ‘that simple’ than i thought i was

/yeah i wanna feel good, fast
wanna be your golden boy/

wanna be good enough for me
*takes a hold of your hand* stay

and i can barely stay on topic at this point
barometer skyrockets/bursts
off the Richter scale/never before seen heights
record numbers
nonsense, U-turns
twists, i slip
and fumble my way around
shuffling around/navigating/illustrating
my point(s) vaguely, in the dark
mumbling, bumbling
grovelling/shying away
what can i say,
mood controlled today

a few ones

650 0072
pic somewhat unrelated
this is a depiction of a meat-market in london

i don’t know who drew it
sue me don’t sue me/you probably can’t sue me
but don’t please
thanks

enjoy




a cheeky1 while someone’s in the room!
cheeky in the distance/corner of my eye
cheeky in the corner/go on and do a cheeky




get riled up and slide into the ring
slide up n freak out cos
it’s all momentum based
for me anyway/i got other things to say



Self(ish) assimilation
verging on narcissism

thinkin about friends meetin friends n
how friends’d get on with each other n
how i called it
how i often want it

thinkin bout how it makes me happy.
i like bringing people together but do i
like bringing people together because
it makes them happy because they like each other now?

or do i like bringing people together because
they like me more now, because that makes me happy?

/scared of the latter but i suppose..
the idea of lining my pockets with
social capital, so-to-speak
walking away/won the day
sneering, popular/the art of the deal

am i scared that i am selfish, am i
ashamed of being selfish, am i
selfish/does it show?
why do people want to be loved/
will i ever know?

the debate consumes itself and myself and
i’m scared that i am selfish (OR i’m
scared of being seen as selfish which is a
not entirely but at least considerably
different poem)
but i guess people who are scared of being selfish
are mostly, likely not,
or most likely, at least less selfish than
(objectively?)selfish people who don’t question
whether or not they are selfish

largely these concerns feel like
time wasted but
maybe one day i’ll learn something




hard to be/to feel authentic when faced with
an infinite, invisible audience

but some people can and relish in it

maybe it’s a culture of narcissism
manifested in content, some depthless
/counter productive

and some genuinely enjoyable/
well crafted

brands scream love me and often
i agree, but often i can’t help but think
it’s bad for souls
behind the brands, and at the same time
i can’t help but feel bad that
i can’t scream good

maybe i’m just jealous


 

meta mathematical o.o.b.e(/s?)

animal population control
the bear population count/dotted lines
mapping bear routes/vectors
rotate and we’re walkin

n walkin/we shift and exit the frame
and watch some frames go by and watch
57 in a second
shift back n step into the next frame n
/we press play

downhill* state of mind

fuck about waitin on them first post
hangin out on a tab perpetually
eventually clicked and completed
fleeting poems about poems about
deeds and ventures, mastication
miscellaneous spelt right on the first try
leccy spatulas zappin house fies, honey
i x‘d the y, the team try-outs
and open air auctions for them
summer-breeze buy-outs/honey the winds
are in our favour,
and we’re better off for it!





*
literal downhill/in a good way
in a slight huh-ray but it’s fine cos theyz
a spring on your step n they
awaiting you but it’s fine